Pumping....

Elaina latches on pretty well after I pump. She seems to like the left breast when it is soft. I am having some soreness on my right nipple so I don't offer it to her much. I went up a size on the flange I use on the right and that is helping. I was pumping only twice a day for a few weeks but I have added a short pumping session in the middle of the day when I can just to feel better. I have started working regularly at a daycare for 4 hours in the afternoon so it helps to pump before I go to work.

Elaina latching on

This is a big deal. Elaina like so many of her siblings seems to have a high palate and has a horrible latch. We have been pumping... OK, I have been pumping and she has received most of her breastmilk from a bottle. Lately she has been fussy even after she has finished a 4 ounce bottle (come on girl you are only 5 weeks old you don't need that much milk..) so I have been offering her my left breast. Come on ladies we all tend to have a more cooperative side. If I have just pumped and the breast is soft she latches really well and since she isn't starving she falls asleep with that dream feeding rhythm. I feel fine. There is no pain. She seems happy. All is good in boobie land. It is a start. I wouldn't even mind just feeding her on the left side and pumping on the right. We will see what happens....

I have really been struggling with my feelings about breastfeeding Elaina. Of course I want to "do the right thing" but I feel like such a hypocrite. I am a CLC who is supposed to help moms learn to breastfeed. And here I am having troubles myself. I bond differently with each child and maybe I just don't feel super close to her yet. I see that as normal. Every mother child relationships forms its own rules. I don't feel you HAVE to bond immediately with a new baby. Think about it. In the distant past and not so distant past and in certain countries today babies die. It is a fact and it happens everyday. Babies die. By not bonding with a baby right away a mother in a way is protecting herself from a grief filled moment when her child does not live. She then is able to make it through her day taking care of other children and finding enough food to survive. I am an evolutionist and I feel this delayed bonding happens for a reason. In our Western culture we have outgrown it, or so we think. I feel that post partum depression is so high in our culture because Mothers are pushed to BOND BOND BOND with that baby and if they don't they see themselves as a failure and the cycle of depression begins. Why is it that PPD is virtually unheard of in some more simpler cultures.....

I have a very dear friend who went through CLC training with me and let me go with her to help bring her adopted daughter home from Eastern Europe earlier this year. She never judges and she is so supportive... Take a moment to go look at her video talking about the daughter she left behind in Eastern Europe. Just click on the link below to see the video. If you don't feel compelled to donate please at least share the video with your friends and family. Please consider donating to their adoption fund to give a child her forever family....

http://youtu.be/Ct7I1p7op2Q

A struggle

I never know how I will be and what kind of mother I will be with each new child. It seems like I bond with my boys easily but with my girls it takes longer. With that being said I don't really feel compelled to breastfeed Elaina. Of course I am pumping and she has only had breastmilk but I rarely put her to the breast. Maybe I will wait till she is older like 3 months to try more to latch her on. I don't know. It looks like our finances won't allow me to stay at home much longer so maybe this is all fate. I feel like I am on such a roller coaster.....